So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
