This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
