So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
