I want to stick my p in your. b.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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