A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
