i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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