I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
