i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
