just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
