we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
