I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
