(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
