my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Actions speak louder than pants.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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