she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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