i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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