I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
what the fuck happened to the tacos
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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