Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
