I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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