how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
