At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
