I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
