i just wanna soil my oats bro
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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