I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
