The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
