Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
