Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
