Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
