Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
