yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
