people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
