are you still at the devil's house?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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