She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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