I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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