I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
