I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
