Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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