Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the day after is always just damage control
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
