sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
