so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
