I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
