Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
