toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
