i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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