I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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