She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
