I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
