I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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