My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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