I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
