I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
